Not Fair
by 13.shimer.13
Summary: Alice has a startling vision which involves something so legendary, it leaves the people of Forks feeling awed and terrified. Swearing, suggestive, and somewhat vulgar language included. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride!
1. Prologue

Not Fair

_By 13Shimer13_

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I've got cookies!

**A/N: I got the idea while flicking through my Ipod and I found it pretty hilarious . . . enjoy.**

Prologue

Alice Cullen was bored. And, when Alice Cullen was bored, it did not bode well for the other Cullens— or the various people around her.

Because Alice was bored, she was staring into the future.

And Alice wasn't bored.

Alice had, in fact, found something deliciously interesting that was to happen in a few weeks time. Something that the rest of Forks would be finding out about tomorrow; something the whole of Forks would never ever forget . . .

. . . A talent contest.


	2. Insanity! Alice! Fire!

Not Fair

_By 13Shimer13_

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I own a lovely Ipod!

**A/N: Enjoy and then review!**

Chapter 1: The Most Insanity Comes in Small Packages.

Bella's POV

It was tomorrow. It was five thirty in the morning, but it was still tomorrow. It was five thirty in the morning, and I, Isabella Swan was being woken up by a . . . a jackhammer? Oh, no, false alarm, it was only Alice using the bed as a trampoline. At five thirty in the morning.

To say that I was pissed off would be an understatement. I was, in fact, mad enough to ward off any potential killers—vampire, human and werewolf alike. Oh yes, I was ready to kill someone. God help anyone who dared even to look at me in a wrong way! I would smite them with my smiting glance, kill them with my klutziness, harm them with my right hook, and sic my vampire boyfriend on them . . .

Wait a minute, where was Edward? Don't tell me he's gone to Italy again . . . oh, it's fine, he's behind Alice. Ah, Alice. _Stay calm,_ I tried to tell myself. _Stay calm, don't kill her._

"Alice, I'm going to kill you!" I hissed angrily. Alice cringed away from me—she looked ready to pee her pants! That cheered me up slightly, but I feigned like I was even angrier. "What on Earth was running through your addled brain, when you decided to wake me up at _five thirty in the __**bloody**_morning!?" I spat.

And then Alice spoke in a small, terrified voice that would have made even the coldest hearted murderer cry. "I'm sorry, Bella. I just got so bored without you to talk to! Jasper was being a butthead, and Emmett was annoying, and Rosalie was moody, and Edward was here, and Esme was gardening and Carlisle was reading! I know it's really early in the morning, but I can't sleep and I'm so, so sorry and I promise it will never, ever, ever again happen!" by the end of her speech, my anger had disappeared and I was ready to get ready for school—starting with a very long shower.

I was ready an hour early and Alice seemed to be very pleased about something. I had asked, but she had simply said "You'll find out soon, Bella," and changed the subject rapidly to the evilness of gym class. It was really annoying—Alice knew just how to distract me and, well, it was really just the fact that she knew everything that annoyed me.

We got to school with enough time to find a good parking spot, and Edward gave me a quick peck on the cheek before leaving me with the devil's mascot—commonly known by the name 'Alice'—and her accomplice in evil, Jasper. Before a word could leave either of the pair's lips, I had made it to English (without tripping as well—yay me!) and was ready for the lesson, only to hear Mrs. Cope's voice over the speakers.

"We are to have a whole school assembly in the gymnasium immediately! The principal wishes to speak to the whole school, so please calmly make your way to the gymnasium at once!"

She continued to jabber on as we all made our way to the gym and waited to find out what was going on. Perhaps this would be about what Alice had been hiding from me . . .

"Good morning, students," Principal Newman, a short, balding man greeted. And then, before anyone else could utter a word, he launched into a seemingly well-rehearsed speech.

"As you are all aware, Christmas is fast approaching, and as such, we will all be preparing for the annual Christmas Ball, and the standard Christmas production—usually a pantomime of some sort—which precedes it. However, I propose that this year, Forks does something original. Something I'm sure will be entertaining and will boost everyone's morale and confidence; a talent show. Everyone, including members of staff such as myself, must sign up, and the best thirty-six will go forward. The acts must last five minutes; no more and no less than that. The talent show will last three hours in total, and most, if not all of Forks will be attending."

An astounded silence met his announcement. He sighed and looked around at our blank faces before simply saying, "This year we'll have a talent show instead of the usual Christmas production. Everyone's required to audition. Even I am." He added hesitantly.

A moment of silence descended upon us . . . and then total chaos hit the hall.

Alice's POV

Oh, hell yes!

Mike, Tyler, Eric, Ben, Edward and Jasper's POV

Oh, hell no!

Jessica, Lauren, Angela, Bella's POV

Oh . . . hell.

Principal Newman's POV

What the hell have I done?

Rosalie's POV

Here we go again. Sigh.

Emmett's POV

Mmm . . . bears . . .

Bella's POV

Alice saw this coming, and she hadn't warned me? The auditions were for tomorrow, and we had to come into school even if we were _dying_! Life just hates me. Seriously. I think Alice hates me too. And, honestly, how had my _mindreading_ boyfriend failed to notice this?

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Mondays?

No?

Well, guess what?

I hate Mondays!


End file.
